


Don't Let Me Push You Away

by orphan_account



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Bromance, Can be read as Merthur if you squint, Comforting Merlin, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s02e08 The Sins Of The Father, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, but also just as bromance, hurt Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 14:58:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14167398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After Morgause shows Arthur the circumstances of his birth and the death of his mother, Arthur's whole world is changing and he needs someone he can still trust.





	Don't Let Me Push You Away

_Merlin: “Are you alright? Arthur?”  
Arthur: “Fetch the horses. We’re returning to Camelot.”_

Merlin hurried to catch up with Arthur who had stormed off in the direction of the horses. “Arthur, wait, don’t you think we should – I don’t know, talk about this?” Instead of answering, Arthur quickened his pace. Great, so he was back to his usual way of dealing with problems – ignoring them until they went away themselves. Maybe Arthur would be more inclined to talk to him after he had a few minutes to himself. Sighing, Merlin fell into a slow walk and mulled over the events of the last hour.

He had never seen Arthur like this before. Being Uther’s son had taught him to never show his emotions from a very young age, and by the time Merlin arrived in Camelot, Arthur had perfected the art of never letting anything get to him. Or at least, acting that way. Merlin knew him well enough to tell whenever something was wrong, but most of the time, Arthur just brushed it off and continued with his day. Nothing had ever left him so shaken up before. 

Merlin’s thoughts were interrupted when the horses came into view. Even from the distance, it was obvious that Arthur hadn’t calmed down. He yanked at the reigns of his horse, trying to untangle them from the tree but the knot kept slipping through his shaking hands.

“Stop that.” Merlin stepped closer until he stood right in front of Arthur. “You’re hurting the horse.” He couldn’t tell if Arthur ignored him or if he was too caught up in his own head to hear anyone else, but he didn’t get an answer.

Before he could decide to intervene, the horse had enough and kicked out. Arthur jumped back with a frustrated cry, avoiding the hit only by a few inches. For a moment Merlin thought he might punch the horse, but the furious expression on Arthur’s face disappeared moments later only to be replaced with utter determination. Without a word, he turned around and marched off into the forest.

Giving the horse a few more calming strokes, Merlin decided to follow Arthur. He had a very bad feeling about leaving him alone, especially in this state of mind. When he was caught up with Arthur, Merlin waited a few seconds for Arthur to notice him but after getting no reaction, he just started talking. One way or another, he needed to get a reaction out of Arthur. 

“You know that Camelot lies south of here, right? And that you’re walking north?” He kept his tone light, trying to encourage Arthur to talk to him. He was met with silence, but Merlin hadn’t expected anything different. Staying two steps behind, he kept talking. 

“You can’t ignore me forever and just keep walking. At some point, you’ll have to turn around and face me. Or reality.” Still no reaction. “Or you could keep running from it like you are doing now,” he added in a harsher tone. Merlin was still speaking to the back of Arthur’s head, but he could feel something change. Judging by the slight falter in his steps, Arthur was listening. 

Merlin took a deep breath. If provocation was the only thing that got through to Arthur, then he needed to keep going. “But of course, running is easier. Maybe I was wrong and you are more like your father than I thought and-“

He was interrupted when Arthur froze, spun around and stalked towards him. “Don’t you dare say that.” His voice was low and raspy from disuse. Merlin flinched, he almost hadn’t expected an answer. Not that they were standing face to face, he could see the pain written on Arthur’s face, only barely concealed by the anger in his eyes. 

“Why? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” Merlin kept going.

“I told you to shut up!” Arthur raised his voice until he was almost shouting. He grabbed Merlin by the shoulder, keeping him in place. “You have no idea what you are talking about.” Arthur tightened the grip, digging his fingers into Merlin’s skin. 

Merlin winced from the pain. Arthur seemed to have forgotten that he was still wearing his gauntlets. His vice-like grip would leave some ugly bruises. “Please, Arthur, you’re hurting me,” he pressed out, trying to duck away without much success.

Arthur looked at him for a moment before he tore his hand away like he had been burned. “Shit, sorry, I didn’t-“ He trailed off with a strangled cry, turned away and slammed his fist into the tree next to him. Without the metal gauntlet the impact would have broken a few bones.

After letting out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, Merlin was rooted to the spot. Arthur kept beating the tree over and over again, gasping from the strain. A few seconds later, Merlin forced himself out of his stupor. He raced to Arthur’s side, caught one of his fists and pulled him around hard. Merlin’s eyes glowed golden for a split-second but Arthur was too far gone to wonder how a scrawny servant could manhandle him like that.

“Stop, Arthur, you need to calm down!” Merlin tightened his grip. Arthur kept struggling against the hold, but he stood no chance against Merlin’s magic. “I’m only trying to help you, stop fighting me!”

Finally, after what felt like hours, Arthur obeyed. He was shaking all over, and his breath came in short spurts. Merlin felt helpless for a second, but he hadn’t lived with a physician for nothing. He had dealt with his fair share of panicked patients. “You need to breathe, come on. Deep breaths.” Merlin forced himself to sound calm and reassuring. “Just one deep breath. You are going to pass out if you keep going like that.”

Some part of the sentence must have gotten through to Arthur because he sucked in a deep, shaking breath. This used up the last bit of energy he’d had in him, but Merlin was ready when Arthur’s legs gave out. 

Arthur dropped to his knees and fell forward, only avoiding hitting his head on the ground thanks to Merlin’s quick reflexes. He curled in on himself, hiding his face when heavy sobs wracked his body. 

Even though it hurt Merlin to see him so broken, he was relieved that Arthur’s iron-grip on his feelings had finally loosened. Something like this had to happen sooner or later, and right now they were far away from the prying eyes of Camelot’s townsfolk. 

The forest was quiet apart from the broken sobs coming from Arthur’s shaking form. Merlin wrung his hands. He needed to do something. But what? Arthur was still wearing his full armor so rubbing his back was out of the question. Deciding that a hug probably wouldn’t be appreciated either, Merlin went down on his haunches.

He placed his hand on the base of Arthur’s neck, careful not to startle him. Arthur shuddered even harder and Merlin started to ask himself if he had made a mistake, but before he could move away Arthur shifted slightly and leaned into the touch. If Merlin hadn’t focused all his attention on Arthur, he would have missed the movement altogether, but so he took it as a confirmation that he was doing the right thing. 

Merlin started tracing light circles with his thumb. Arthur was still shaking, and his skin felt clammy under Merlin’s hand. He wanted to say something to make it better, but the right words wouldn’t come to him. Maybe there were no right words, maybe the only thing he could do was to stay and let Arthur cry it all out.

He was torn out of his thoughts when he heard strangled words between the sobs. Arthur frantically pressed out the same sentence over and over again, but it took Merlin a few moments to understand what it was. Leaning closer, he tried to make out the words.

“What should I do now?” Arthur didn’t sound at all like his normal, pretentious self, but more like a lost child. Merlin’s heart broke when he heard the hopeless tone of Arthur’s voice. “I don’t know what to do, Merlin. My mother-“, he was interrupted by a sob, “-she would be alive if I hadn’t been born.”

“No, no, no, Arthur, stop.” Merlin’s voice was firm. “Don’t even start going there. You can’t change the past and this is not your fault.” Arthur had a tendency to blame himself for everything that went wrong in the world, but Merlin was determined to make him understand that this was on Uther. 

Arthur had uncurled a little bit but kept his eyes glued to the ground. “I thought I knew him. My father, he lied to me. All this time. He killed her. And he lied to me.” His voice was flat like he had no emotion left in himself. 

Merlin was quick to reply. “All of this was your father’s decision, not yours. You are not to blame for her death, Arthur.”

Arthur’s head snapped up and the sheer amount of pain Merlin could see in his eyes took his breath away. “Merlin, how many sorcerers did he burn at the stake? For a crime that he committed?” Arthur took a ragged breath. “He let all these people die, and he is not better than them. And I helped him. Their blood is on my hands.”

There it was. This was Merlin’s chance. Arthur wasn’t sure what to believe anymore, he was confused and upset. If he could convince him that magic wasn’t evil, that Merlin himself had magic ... Merlin’s heart started beating faster. He would be so much closer to a life in freedom, he wouldn’t have to fear for his life whenever he finished his chores with the help of magic.

No. He took a deep breath. Arthur had been betrayed by enough people, he didn’t need anything else. The risk that he would shut out Merlin as well was too high. As hard as it was, Merlin would have to wait a bit longer. His duty was to protect Arthur and he needed to focus on that now. 

He turned his attention back to Arthur. “You only think what you did was right. You were only a child; how would you have known?” Merlin willed Arthur to understand that he couldn’t keep doing this to himself.

Arthur’s response came without emotion. “That doesn’t change anything, does it?” 

There was only one answer and Arthur already knew it. Merlin sighed. “No. No, it doesn’t change anything. But you are not to blame.” Arthur let out a shaky breath and put his head back in his hands. “Merlin, what do I do now? I don’t even know what to think anymore. Tell me, what do I do?”

It broke Merlin’s heart to hear Arthur’s voice crack. “I don’t know.” Merlin tightened his grip on Arthur’s neck for a moment. “But we’ll figure it out, I promise.”

Arthur looked up at Merlin like he was searching for something and Merlin knew that he had understood the “we”. After a few moments, Arthur seemed to have found whatever he had been looking for and drew in a shaky breath. He still looked tired and the tear tracks on his face in combination with a few smudges of mud made him look much younger than he was, but the desperate and lost look in his eyes was gone.

Merlin pushed himself to his feet. His knees ached from remaining in the same position for so long, but he didn’t care. He extended a hand towards Arthur and helped him up. The walk back to their horses was silent but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Arthur was physically and emotionally drained and needed some time to recompose himself and Merlin just walked by his side, offering quiet companionship.

By the time they Merlin had unbound the horses and gotten everything ready for their return to Camelot, Arthur almost looked like himself again. The slight tremor in his hands and the occasional quiet sniffle were still there, but nobody but Merlin would notice them anyway. 

They rode a few minutes side by side in complete silence while Arthur fiddled with the reigns of his horse. Merlin was debating about addressing it when Arthur spoke. “Thank you,” was all he said, gaze fixed on something in front of him. 

Arthur didn’t see Merlin smile in response but when he heard Merlin say “Don’t mention it,” he felt a little bit lighter. He’d still have to deal with his father, but he wouldn’t have to do it alone. Maybe his manservant wasn’t as useless as he had thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, I hope you enjoyed reading it, I definitely had fun writing it! This is one of the times I curse my complete inability to draw because I have such a cute image in my head of Merlin sitting there and comforting Arthur ... I guess you'll have to imagine it.
> 
> I'd love a comment if you liked it :)


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